Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
