Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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