call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize