Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
