Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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