Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
