Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
