I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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