if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just tell him i said nine months
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
