he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
