did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
3pm strippers are depressing
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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