you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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