Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
