I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
