So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
