Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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