i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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