my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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