Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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