I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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