if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
