There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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