Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize