I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you didnt know i had herpes?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Randomize
