I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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