Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize