omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She made me pour olive oil on her.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
