2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
