hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
