Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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