If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
