No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i wish my penis had a tongue
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Couch. On fire.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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