Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
