I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
