it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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