don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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