I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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