He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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