When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
