All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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