I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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