When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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