I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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