i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
40s are totally the cure
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
