I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
