guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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