The maid of honor just puked.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
