i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You can't special order awesome
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
