another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
