I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
