Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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