i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
