zippers are such a cool invention
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
nutella sex= disaster
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
