The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
