She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
