You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
