we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
