I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
