Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
