no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
